What I’m listening to: Rollercoaster by Bleachers
So I was scrolling through Pinterest, happily pinning 27 layer cakes and 475 different ways to fold dinner napkins when I saw a “ways to be the perfect boyfriend” post. I see lots of posts like these, but this one in particular grabbed my attention. I now present to you, (with my snarky comments added of course) this post.
1. Smell her hair
Well, I guess I can respect their willingness to jump straight onto the crazy train right off the bat. I’m really really hoping this person just drastically misspelled “play with her hair” but that’s definitely to much to wish for. This one is extra weird because it’s pretty established in pop culture that guys who smell girls’ hair are weirdos. I feel like maybe this is some kind of test? I don’t know, there’s no good explanation for this.
2. Pick her up and pretend you’re going to throw her in the pool…she’ll scream and fight you, but secretly she’ll love it.
Pro tip: if you read any dating idea that involves a girl fighting you, it’s a bad idea. That’s how you get on lists, and not Pinterest ones. Also, I definitely have my phone in my pocket, so just 100% bad idea there. Just take me to lunch if you want to show me you like me. Destroying my $200 phone is not flirty.
3. Hold her hand while you talk
…..EVERY time you talk?? Cause that’s some weird codependency.
4. Hold her hand while you drive
I am in no way a good enough driver to keep one of my hands off the steering wheel for more than two seconds and I don’t really feel like most teenage boys are either.
5. Just hold her hand
If you held a girl’s hand as much as suggested in this list, the law would be obligated to only count you two as one person.
6. Tell her she looks beautiful
Well at least this one isn’t about holding hands. But this one’s kind of a no duh. If you’re dating some girl, you probably think she’s attractive. That’s just how it works.
7. Look her in the eyes when you talk to her
Are you guys dating or she interrogating him to see if he knows more about the disappearance of Lil Tony then he’s letting on?
8. Protect her
The author was definitely watching NCIS while writing this part of the list. Unless the average day of the average high schooler involves more attempted alien invasions than the History channel is letting on, why is this on the list? Are chemistry textbooks more dangerous than I have assumed?? Please let me know.
9. Tell her stupid jokes
You know what my life is missing? A teenage boy to tell me laffy taffy jokes apparently.
10. Tickle her, even when she says stop
If I say stop tickling me it’s because I’m about to accidentally punch you in the face. Also, again with the she-says-no-do-it-anyway thing. This is just weird.
11. Slow dance with her
Where are we slow dancing? I feel like the writer meant it in a middle-of-Chik-fil-a-on-a-Thursday-night kind of way, not in a at-a-dance kind of way.
12. When she starts swearing at you, tell her you love her
I’m disturbed by the fact it doesn’t say “IF she starts swearing at you” it says “When”. What kind of relationships is this person used to?
13. Let her fall asleep in your arms
I will usher you out my house long before I’m so tired that I just fall asleep. You know when I fall asleep on the couch? When I want my relatives to leave because it’s hour 17 of Thanksgiving. Its time to leave bro.
14. Get her mad, then kiss her
This basically translates into “start a fight on purpose, then when she’s good and angry, try to make her not angry”. Why don’t you just not make her mad in the first place? That seems like a good place to start.
15. Tease her
Normally I’d say cute, but I guarantee the thought behind this one involved faking your death so no.
16. Let her tease you back
17. Stay up with her when she’s sick
No. Leave me alone. I’ll call you when I’m well. Unless you want to watch me sneeze and half watch Netflix go find something to do by yourself for two days.
18. Kiss her forehead
Why is this specifically listed? I don’t think anyone’s ever been like “well, I went out with Jermey again, but he didn’t kiss my forehead so I just don’t think it’s gonna work out”.
19. Let her wear your clothes
At this point you two might as well just wear them at the same time because you guys are literally the same person. Don’t be that couple. No one likes that couple.
20. Go slow, don’t push anything
This feels like advice that should be really obvious. At least it should have been near the top of the list instead of buried near the bottom under “sharing clothes”.
21. Kiss her in the rain
Then catch hypothermia and die.
22. And when you fall in love with her, tell her
I would hope so.